10 (and some) golden rules for Miami driving

Driving in a new-to-you country is not always easy, and certainly doesn’t come natural. You have to carefully explore the ways and means of domestic drivers, and then adapt accordingly. The worst you can do is sticking out like a sore thumb. If you just go with the flow and accept that other driving scenes roll differently, it’ll be much easier to come out on the other side in one piece. For example, if you hold on to those 10 very basic and, in retrospect, obvious rules below, you’ll fit right into Miami traffic! Good luck. (You’ll probably need it).

1) A stop sign is merely a suggestion. Under no circumstances should you view stop signs as a command to actually bring your vehicle to a full stop. If you feel that you just have to go past it, do it. A red light shouldn’t inhibit you from reaching your goals either.

2) Don’t care about pedestrians. Who are they to think that they have any kind of rights on the street? To move from point A to B, people should rely on their cars, not their feet. If their light is green (white), go even faster. Knock them over and run! Burn in hell, pedestrians.

3) Don’t pardon your French. Swear as much as humanly possible at other drivers and forget everything you’ve learned in that anger management class. If possible, roll down your window and make eye contact with other drivers so you can personally insult them. If you have to, get out the car and physically fight them (preferably at 8am).

4) Cut other people off as much as possible. Short and simple – cut! Bonus points if you manage to take other drivers by surprise.

5) Don’t put your signals. Rumours are the authorities will charge you for it. Plus, signals take the fun part out of driving. People would suddenly know where you intend to go and could react to that! Gasp!

6) Use your honk. Use it liberally and without any apparent reason. This will get everyone in a good mood, and traffic will obviously start moving faster right away. This applies especially if you can see that you’ll be stuck for a minute or two (for instance when a drawbridge goes up). Honking will magically speed up the process! Also honk like it’s going out of style if someone doesn’t speed away immediately after a light has switched from red go green. Those milliseconds count!

7) Repeat rule 2, but replace pedestrians with bicyclists. Additionally, if you happen to be around when Critical Mass is on, give those bastards a piece of your mind, or, better yet, attack them violently.

8) Invent lanes! This is a fun one. If there are three lanes, but in order for you to fit in, there should be a fourth one, go for it and start creating it. Other drivers behind you will appreciate the initiative.

9) Speaking of lanes – cross as many lanes as possible in as little time as you can. A lot of people take this challenge up on a daily basis, so competition is stiff. Try harder! Four lanes in two seconds on a crowded highway? Just do it! It’s for everyone’s benefit.

10) Make your car your meeting room (or nail salon, or lunch spot). Try to schedule all your meetings and phone calls for your drive. This will save you time later! Texting or calling people is completely acceptable, nay awesome (and it’s actually even legal, so this might be the only permissible thing you’re doing in the process of driving). Driving is boring, so you should absolutely multi-task while doing it!

11) Bonus rule for highways: if you miss your exit, just drive there backwards on the emergency lane. Seems legit and not cray cray at all, right? What are those lanes for anyway. It’s not like there’d be an accident, ever.

12) Bonus rule for aesthetically challenged people: install a vanity plate that says “YOLO” or something similarly archetypically Miami. It will make you immediately identifiable as a nice, un-douchey person who just goes about enjoying their life.

13) Bonus, all-encompassing golden rule above all else: think of yourself as the ambulance or the fire brigade. In the grand scheme of things, I’m sure where you’re going is at least as important as the hospital or a burning house, right? You deserve to get there first. This means that you shouldn’t worry about what’s behind or in front of you, just go. Conveniently enough, this ties in nicely with rule 1-12.

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